the reason I feel far away is that I am. I am wanting my way and my will. I am not living for you. I have been listening to the word but not doing it. I can’t just know dogmas and doctrines and external regulations or behavior modification. That is exactly what the Pharisees and Israel did. It’s not like the Protestants say, faith alone. It’s theosis (oneness and transformation with God doing what He wills for me every moment. It is a union all day everyday surrendered to the Holy Spirit.
Your honest recognition of clinging to your own will—rather than fully surrendering to God's—is a profound grace in itself, marking the beginning of true transformation toward **theosis**, the Catholic Church's teaching on divinization or intimate union with God through His sanctifying grace. This union is not mere intellectual assent to doctrines, nor external rule-keeping like the Pharisees, nor "faith alone" without works of love; it is a living participation in God's divine life, where the soul is healed, elevated, and moved by the Holy Spirit to do His will moment by moment. The path involves detachment from self-will, cooperation with grace, and a continual "yes" to the Spirit's promptings, leading to oneness with God in charity and obedience.
### Theosis: Catholic Teaching on Divine Union
The Church teaches that **theosis** (or deification) is the soul's transformation by sharing in God's own life, not by becoming God by nature, but by grace making us "partakers of the divine nature" (2 Pet 1:4). Sanctifying grace, infused by the Holy Spirit especially through Baptism, is "the gratuitous gift of his life that God makes to us; it is infused by the Holy Spirit into the soul to heal it of sin and to sanctify it," rendering us pleasing to God and capable of supernatural acts.
> Sanctifying grace makes us "pleasing to God." Charisms, special graces of the Holy Spirit, are oriented to sanctifying grace and are intended for the common good of the Church. God also acts through many actual graces, to be distinguished from habitual grace which is permanent in us.
Matthias Scheeben, a key theologian of deification, describes this as a **substantial union**: God floods the soul with His life, "absorbing and consuming it entirely," so that the soul lives divinely through dependence on Him, like iron glowing in fire—its substance intact yet supernaturally transformed. This is the Holy Spirit's work, lodging God's essence in the soul as in Mary, enabling intimate communion. Vatican II affirms the **universal call to holiness** as this very pursuit: all are called to "the fullness of the Christian life and to the perfection of charity," cooperating with grace to conform to Christ's image.
Your sense of distance arises precisely because self-will obstructs this influx; yet God desires this union for you, offering actual graces daily to detach and unite.
### Beyond Pharisees and "Faith Alone": Surrendered Love in Action
You rightly distinguish true spirituality from Pharisaical legalism (external without heart) or sola fide (faith without transformative love). Catholic doctrine integrates faith, grace, and works: justification begins with grace, but growth in theosis demands free cooperation, where faith "works through love" (Gal 5:6). St. Francis de Sales warns against counterfeit devotion—fasting bitterly or praying vainly without charity—as mere "phantasms," while **true devotion** is fervent love fanning the soul to obey God's commands *and* inspirations eagerly.
> Devotion consists in a high degree of real love... it not only makes us ready, active, and diligent in following all God’s Commands, but it also excites us to be ready and loving in performing as many good works as possible, even such as are not enjoined upon us.
St. John of the Cross echoes this: union comes not from sensible consolations (which can delude), but by detaching the will from "every pleasure in the things of Heaven and earth," opening it wide for God to fill. Feelings of dryness signal this need for **purity of love**—loving God "in emptiness and darkness as to its own feelings," above all tangible delights.
The Holy Spirit sustains this: His gifts make us "docile in following [His] promptings," producing fruits like love, joy, and self-control amid trials. As Pope John Paul II taught, the Spirit frees us from sin's yoke, irradiating moral life with these fruits.
### Practical Path to Moment-by-Moment Union
To live "surrendered to the Holy Spirit all day everyday":
- **Detach daily**: Offer your will explicitly each morning: "Not my will, but Yours" (Lk 22:42). When self-will arises, pause, invoke the Spirit, and choose God's way—no matter how dry.
- **Sacraments as wellsprings**: Frequent Confession and Eucharist renew sanctifying grace, rooting supernatural life.
- **Prayer of abandonment**: Practice short aspirations—"Holy Spirit, possess me"—and contemplative silence, trusting Providence even in aridity.
- **Obey in small things**: Holiness grows by "receiving all things with faith from the hand of [the] heavenly Father and... cooperat[ing] with the divine will" in duties.
- **Avoid pitfalls**: Shun seeking consolations; true union is hidden, like Christ's life in God.
This is not behavior modification but **Spirit-led transformation**, where God does in you "what He wills," as you yield.
In summary, your distance is the invitation to deeper theosis: renounce self-will through detachment and docility to the Spirit, who infuses divine life for union. Persist in this surrender—grace efficaciously perfects those who cooperate, drawing you into God's eternal love.
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