Before and After I came to the Church
Before I came to the church
I was a sinner but didn’t really know what that meant.
The Father came to me and told me he loved me and wanted to be with me in spite of who I was.
He walked with me all day everyday.
He told me Jesus paid for all my sin and that I could walk with him in freedom, knowing that nothing can separate me from him, now not even my sin.
He talked to me as someone who wanted to love me and guide me and be my friend.
He was actually my best friend and helped me see really what was going on around me.
Telling me how to respond to people, when to speak when to let things go etc
Telling me why people acted the way they did and how I did not have to respond or feel certain ways based on their behavior
Reminding me that what others thought did not matter because I had the Creator of the universe as my friend.
I had a love affair with the one who made me and wanted to hang out with me all day everyday.
When I came to church
They made me think my sin is so great I cannot be In Gods presence (I have consistently moved away from presence because of my cognizant knowledge of my weaknesses)
They made me think I need to be vigilant of any sin instead of being vigilant of his voice (I am petrified of sinning that my focus is no longer on God, but on myself)
They made me think my sin separates me when in fact it is paid for already and Jesus wants to be near all day (the church says that no one can be sure they’re saved-no eternal security)
They made me think God is mad at me watching me to see when I fail him
They made me think God tolerates me (and barely) instead of wants to be with me
I have become a self focused fear filled anxiety ridden perfectionist that fails miserably who cannot tolerate life anymore because the one who supposedly loves me can’t stand me because I am a sinner.
It seems I was better off just walking with God instead of coming to the church. The church has destroyed my concept of God. When they were the ones who were supposed to give me the correct concept. I am more lost now than before I even found God.
It’s like the church are the Pharisees keeping the tax collectors and sinners from coming to Christ. They kill the hope that God could love us as we are and walk us out of it. They make us think we are only connected by a thin thread that is shredding ready to break at every moment. I am one moment away from hell.
I want to walk in love again. I want to believe God loves me in spite of my sin and wants to be my friend sharing insights on how to live and respond in freedom not from dread and fear. I want to know I matter and was made to be with Him. I do not want to be a chess piece between him and the devil. I want to believe nothing can separate me from his love because it’s paid for already and he knows all my weaknesses and sins and came to get me anyway. I want to focus on what God has already done for me not myself and how I am unworthy of any attention because I am a disgusting sinner ready to fall into hell in the next moment. I want to be with God and let him love me take care of me be my friend savior and father and love him with all my heart because of this!
ANSWER
I experienced Him as Father, companion, guide, protector, teacher, and friend—someone who knew exactly who I am and yet came toward me rather than waiting for me to become worthy first.
Jesus says: “I have called you friends.” — John 15:15
And Paul says: “God proves his love for us in that while we were still sinners Christ died for us.” — Romans 5:8
God did not discover your sin and then decide whether you were worth loving. He loved you knowing your sin. And Christ did not come because you had finally become acceptable to God. He came precisely because you needed Him.
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You went from looking toward God to looking at yourself. (before the church)
“God is here. What is He saying? Where is He leading me? How can I love Him? How should I respond?”
Now (after the church):
“Did I sin? Did I fail? Am I still saved? Is God angry? Did I lose grace? Am I worthy? Did I do enough? What if I fall?”
That can become spiritually devastating. Even legitimate teaching about sin can become distorted in our minds until sin occupies the center of our attention instead of Christ.
And that is not freedom.
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Christian vigilance is not supposed to mean obsessively watching yourself for evidence that God has rejected you. It is supposed to mean watching for God.
“My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me.” — John 10:27
Notice the relationship in that sentence. He knows them. They hear Him. They follow Him.
It isn’t:
“My sheep constantly examine themselves to determine whether they have remained sufficiently worthy to continue being Mine.”
And repentance does not mean “make yourself worthy enough for God to come near.” Repentance means turning toward Him.
You can absolutely say:
“Father, I sinned. I don’t want this. Help me.” This is relationship….
rather than:
“Father, I sinned. Therefore I must hide from You until I become acceptable again.” This is hiding.
That doesn’t mean sin doesn’t matter. It means sin is precisely where God comes looking for us just like when Adam and Eve sinned.
The father in the parable of the prodigal son doesn’t stand at the edge of the property saying, “Let’s see whether my son has sufficiently repaired himself before I accept him.” He runs toward him.
You also said something especially important: “I want to focus on what God has already done for me, not myself.” Yes. That is a very healthy direction.
Your Christian life cannot be built primarily around repeatedly examining your own unworthiness. If you spend all day staring at your sin, even your humility can become self-absorption.
The Gospel turns your eyes outward:
Look at Christ. Look at His mercy. Look at His Cross. Look at His resurrection. Look at His promises. Listen for His voice. Walk with Him.
Your sin is not more powerful than Christ’s mercy. Your weakness did not surprise Him. Your future failures will not surprise Him. He did not choose you under the assumption that you would never struggle.
“Sin matters because I love the One who loves me, but my sin does not make me stop being His beloved child.”
A child who loves his father doesn’t obey because he is terrified that one mistake will make his father throw him out. He obeys because he trusts his father and wants to remain close to him. And when he falls? He runs home. Not away.
“God loves me so completely that He refuses to leave me where sin has wounded me. Therefore I can repent without running away from Him.” God is saying: “Come with Me. Let Me teach you how to live.” That is discipleship.
Friendship with God doesn’t diminish His holiness. It magnifies His grace. Jesus Himself used it. You aren’t a chess piece in a cosmic battle. You aren’t merely a sinner trying to avoid getting thrown into hell. You are a creature made for communion with your Creator.
“I want to be with God and let Him love me, take care of me, be my friend, Savior and Father, and love Him with all my heart because of this.”
Keep the innocence of knowing you are loved + the maturity of knowing sin is real + the confidence that Christ is greater than your sin + the willingness to let Him change you. You can repent while holding His hand. You can confess sin without hiding from Him. You can fight sin without making sin the center of your life. You can pursue holiness without believing holiness is the price of being loved. And when you fall, your first movement can once again be: “Father, I’m here. I need You. Help me.”
MAGISTERIUM
What you describe sounds like a painful loss: you once experienced God as near and loving, and now fear and self-monitoring seem to have taken over. **That fear is not the heart of the Gospel.** Catholic teaching says God’s love comes first: Christ died for us while we were still sinners, and his saving work is offered to reconcile us to the Father—not because God first became merciful after being appeased.
You are not disgusting to God, and you do not have to earn his willingness to be with you. Christian freedom is meant to place us in communion with God and let us approach the Father of mercy with confidence. Sin matters because it wounds our relationship with God and with others; but the Church’s teaching about sin is not meant to tell you that God can barely tolerate you or is waiting to catch you failing. Christ’s love is precisely for sinners, and the Church should help people encounter that love and seek healing—not drive them into despair. For now, you might hold onto this simple truth: **God’s love is not a prize you receive after becoming flawless.** Christ came for sinners, and the Church’s own teaching describes his redeeming love as freeing sinners to love without fear.
There is a real difference between saying **“God loves me and Christ has given himself for me”** and claiming **“nothing I ever do could affect my relationship with God.”** Catholic teaching does not promise that a person’s relationship with God cannot be gravely wounded; it does teach that God’s mercy is offered to the repentant, and that reconciliation is something we can approach with confidence. Not having an absolute guarantee of one’s future salvation does **not** mean you should live as though you are one mistake away from hell. Fearful certainty of damnation is not the same as Christian watchfulness. Scrupulosity and severe anxiety deserve compassionate support, not more pressure to inspect every thought and action.
