When my sister starts acting up with evil thoughts and behavior:
I love her
I do not hate her
I hate the way she is behaving and thinking
I am grieved she cannot see truth
I am grieved she refuses to want to change and be clean
I am grieved that she likes filth
I am disgusted and don’t want to be around her but I do not stop loving and wanting her to change.
I do love her but I love her so much I don’t want her to stay as she is.
I don’t love her as she is, I love her as what she could be
Is this how God loves us?
God’s love for us is both deeply personal and oriented toward our good. He loves us as we are, created in the image of God, and at the same time He loves us as what we are called to become—the persons of holiness He intends us to be. This dual aspect of divine love helps to answer the tension you feel toward your sister.
Love the person, not the sin
The Church teaches that charity obliges us to love our neighbour as ourselves, even when that neighbour is “still an enemy” (cf. Mt 5 44) 1. St Thomas Aquinas explains that we must love sinners out of charity because of their nature, while we may rightly hate the sin that separates them from God 2. The “perfect hatred” of the sinner’s evil is itself an expression of love, since it seeks the person’s ultimate good 3.
God’s love is mercy, not disgust
God’s love is always mercy. Pope John Paul II reminds us that “our love of neighbour… is nothing other than our response to the love with which God has first loved us” 4. The infinite mercy of the Father is repeatedly emphasized in the magisterial documents: the “love which is more powerful than sin” is the very foundation of the Church’s proclamation of mercy 5, and the “service of charity is an indispensable expression of the Church’s very being” 6. Thus, God never looks upon a sinner with disgust; He looks upon the sinner with compassion that wants conversion.
Desire for conversion is part of love
Jesus “came not to call the righteous, but sinners” 7, and He rejoices “over one sinner who repents” 7. The love that “covers a multitude of sins” (1 Pet 4 8) is precisely the love that prays for, supports, and accompanies the one who is far from the truth 8. The Catechism teaches that the works of mercy—feeding the hungry, visiting the sick, consoling the afflicted—are concrete expressions of this love 9, and that love must be “patient, kind, and benevolent” 10.
How to love your sister as God loves you
1 Love her as a person: Recognize her inherent dignity as a child of God, regardless of her present choices.
2 Hate the sin, not the sinner: Feel sorrow for the harmful thoughts and behaviors, but let that sorrow be directed toward the sin, not toward her as a person 2.
3 Pray for her conversion: Entrust her to the Holy Spirit, asking God to soften her heart and bring her to repentance 7.
4 Accompany, not abandon: Offer fraternal charity—listen, advise, and be present—while maintaining healthy boundaries if her behavior harms you 11.
5 Model Christ’s mercy: Follow the example of Christ who washed the feet of His disciples and called them to serve one another 4.
A balanced picture of divine love
God’s love is unconditional in that He does not cease to love the person, yet it is conditional in that He calls each of us to repentance and transformation. He “does not love us because we love Him, but because He loves us first” 12. In the same way, you can love your sister as she is—as a beloved child of God—while also loving what she could be and earnestly desiring her conversion. This is precisely how the Church understands the love of God: a love that embraces, heals, and leads the beloved toward the fullness of life in Christ.
[1] CCC 1825
[2] Summa Theologiae II-II, Q. 25, A. 6, co.
[3] Summa Theologiae II-II, Q. 25, A. 6
[4] 13 October 1989: Eucharistic celebration in Tuntungan, Indonesia - Homily 3
[5] Dives in Misericordia 13
[6] Evangelii Gaudium 179
[7] CCC 545
[8] Amoris Laetitia 306
[9] CCC 2447
[10] Catechism of the Council of Trent The Ten Commandments - The Fifth Commandment
[11] St. Thomas and the "Good News" of Punishment? page19
[12] CCC 604
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